Monday....start of a new week!

I think I'm going to make it a week of smiles!! :)

Smiling Again...Alot!

It's funny how things change, sometimes quickly. Two weeks ago I put a call into my psychologist needing a refill for my anti depressants. I had been off of them for 3 weeks. It's such a low dosage that he said when I don't take them, I wouldn't even notice. I was so overwhelmed with stress from the way david treats Jon. Then after a week of agony, I just let it go.
David really never helped raise the kids, other than financially. So when I see how it hurts them a little, but not deeply, it is easier to handle. Jon says, mom that's just how dad is, he's always been into himself and it's no big deal. His latest was asking jon to live with him and then telling him he is a guest in his house. What an uncaring ass.
I finally realized that they are going to be okay. It's his loss not mine. So forget the prescription!! Love life!!

Something a Mom Never Wants to Hear

this week has been so full of many emotions. but the biggest one has been love and the pride I have of an amazing young man...Jon. He came to see me Monday evening to talk. He drove straight home to talk to me after leaving an army recruiting office in New Orleans. I sat and listened with fear, a little anger knowing that they were selling him the army with some lies, pride, love and knowing that this is the big letting go part! he was happier than i have seen him in a while and so proud of his test score. he scored 97 out of 99.
the hardest thing to take was that they were telling him that they don't send the smart ones to combat. how mean is that to think the ones fighting for freedom and to stay alive aren't smart. what a load of crap. said with his score he could have any job that he wanted and never see combat. i'm sure he could have any job he wanted but eventually he would be in a combat zone. not the thing a mother wants to realize.
i listened to him. told him that a month ago i realized that i thought this day would come. and how thought that it would be a perfect fit for him....even though I would rather see him stay in college! But, that's not jon. I do wish he would have tried a smaller university. LSU is so big...probably perfect for Rachel but not Jon. Although, it has been good for him.
Anyway, I also told him I prefer him to go into the navy or air force. That I thought they tell you that you will not see combat but you will. I told him to weigh all of his options. I asked if I could email two friends of mine that still work in the service and he said yes. And of course, told him how proud I was that he did so well on his testing. And that he is giving it some thought instead of getting caught up in the moment and signing. He did tell me that he has talked with his psychologist about LSU and the services...which is such a good thing.
I emailed three friends when he left and Jeff, who I graduated with immediately got in touch with me. He enlisted in the air force right out of high school and made a career out of it. he is in korea now working as an equip specialist for the dept. of defense. He emailed Jon and compared the two, since he has worked for both and just shared his knowledge and experiences. and emphasized how he would end up in a combat area. That he is a civilian working for the army and has been to Iraq twice.
Jon has since gone to the air force recruiting office and heading to the navy today. he said the army recruiting guy told him the job that he wants may not be there if he didn't sign up tuesday. jon said that was disappointing to hear......felt it was a lie.
So, in the end, my son is heading to the service at some point. i told him to finish his semester at LSU. I'm just amazed at how grown up he has been. He is showing wisdom beyond his years and he makes me proud.

Changes

Today it is five months since my husband and I filed for divorce. Change and adjustment has been slow to where I don't recognize the change over a day or even a week's time. More like each month I can see growth and change. The last month has been the most significant. I always thought David was a good person, just mean and belittling to me. I don't see him that way any longer. I think if anyone would argue or cross David, he definitely would not be a good person. If you have few less personal relations with him, you are more than fine.
More than a month ago, David called me and it got ugly fast...belittling me and my family. That was a big turning point for me. I stopped it and hung up. And stopped it from ever happening again. I refuse to end my marriage but not end the control he has of diminishing my self esteem. I would love to be able to parent with him and have a friendly relationship....but the reality is that will never happen. So, I don't talk to him on the phone. I only occasionally reply to his emails. I can think of 2 occasions. 1) Registration was due for PBS and I wanted him to know that jon was living at his apartment and I was buying groceries. 2) Rachel had been sick and he got an email along with me from school. I let him know she was okay and was having sinus trouble.
So, I've gotten past the scared feeling I used to get when I would receive an email from him. I am now in control. The stress is gone and I am so incredibly happy.
Now, I need to learn how to let Jon go!! I was thinking today that he is an adult. He needs room to make his own decisions, even make his own mistakes. I'm proud of him for working part time and going to school. He is living at David's while David is away and for the most part, paying his way. I did pay for his pyschologist appointment, but other than that he is surviving by himself. And I can lecture him all I want about school but in the end it has to be his desire to do well. I am letting him go. Loving him dearly and so proud of his heart. If I can only get past the way David treats him, I will be completely free of this hate that I have for David! I just didn't realize a parent could be so self centered when it comes to your kids. He is more concerned at this point of impressing others that he forgets about his own son. He communicates with Rachel, but never Jon. It's sad to see your child lose their relationship with their dad. But as the years pass, I am hoping that will change. Jon's heart is big. I see him always doing what is right, whether it be deserving or not. And that day will make me smile. Right now, the friction makes me cry.
So, five months since the legal filing for divorce.....Rachel and I communicate more than ever. her grades dipped but now are better than they have ever been. jon is flying away from my nest and going through a rough time and I'm learning to give him the space he needs. And I have never been as happy and i am seeing my confidence grow.

Discovering Something Sad yet Interesting

I was cleaning out my desk drawer at work and came across a picture of David and the kids...on one of our 3 family vacations we took since Rachel was born...she is 13. I started thinking about how I don't think David had ever taken a picture with me and the kids. That is so sad. After a month with a psychologist, I realized that I hadn't loved David throughout most of our marriage and did not respect him in the least. He drank every day and was obnoxious, did some things that were illegal, was controlling and hated my family. Even set up for his sister to watch our children while we drove to my mom's funeral. Why wasn't I stronger........and why would he be so controlling and hang on to me when he obviously didn't love me either.

Monday Morning!

Oh, how I tend to dread Mondays. It seems like all I do is work on the weekends and really never rest. But today, I am checking Rachel out early and we are going to possibly visit Dutchtown High. She is so set on not going to Parkview. I have mixed feelings about this but am going to be open about the possibility. In all reality, Parkview is going to be such a financial burden on me.
However, we have to sell our house first!!! I need to paint my bathroom, touch up the kitchen ceiling, replace some planks on the porch, replace a light fixture in the washroom and other light touch ups. The work never stops. Then after we sell the house, I have to find an affordable house in Dutchtown School District....I might have found a neighborhood last night. It's a new one that is being built. We are going to try to find it today after school.
This may be an exciting Monday!!!

Back to Blogging

Really excited about being on here again. However, I'm really in the mood to vent about this self centered jerk that I used to be married to!! He should write a book about how to distance yourself from your kids or How to be the worst father.
Instead, I'm going to take a deep breath and look forward to church. I'm going to pick up Rachel's bike today and we are going to have fun in the 70* weather. I will worry about the housework later!!!