Changes

Today it is five months since my husband and I filed for divorce. Change and adjustment has been slow to where I don't recognize the change over a day or even a week's time. More like each month I can see growth and change. The last month has been the most significant. I always thought David was a good person, just mean and belittling to me. I don't see him that way any longer. I think if anyone would argue or cross David, he definitely would not be a good person. If you have few less personal relations with him, you are more than fine.
More than a month ago, David called me and it got ugly fast...belittling me and my family. That was a big turning point for me. I stopped it and hung up. And stopped it from ever happening again. I refuse to end my marriage but not end the control he has of diminishing my self esteem. I would love to be able to parent with him and have a friendly relationship....but the reality is that will never happen. So, I don't talk to him on the phone. I only occasionally reply to his emails. I can think of 2 occasions. 1) Registration was due for PBS and I wanted him to know that jon was living at his apartment and I was buying groceries. 2) Rachel had been sick and he got an email along with me from school. I let him know she was okay and was having sinus trouble.
So, I've gotten past the scared feeling I used to get when I would receive an email from him. I am now in control. The stress is gone and I am so incredibly happy.
Now, I need to learn how to let Jon go!! I was thinking today that he is an adult. He needs room to make his own decisions, even make his own mistakes. I'm proud of him for working part time and going to school. He is living at David's while David is away and for the most part, paying his way. I did pay for his pyschologist appointment, but other than that he is surviving by himself. And I can lecture him all I want about school but in the end it has to be his desire to do well. I am letting him go. Loving him dearly and so proud of his heart. If I can only get past the way David treats him, I will be completely free of this hate that I have for David! I just didn't realize a parent could be so self centered when it comes to your kids. He is more concerned at this point of impressing others that he forgets about his own son. He communicates with Rachel, but never Jon. It's sad to see your child lose their relationship with their dad. But as the years pass, I am hoping that will change. Jon's heart is big. I see him always doing what is right, whether it be deserving or not. And that day will make me smile. Right now, the friction makes me cry.
So, five months since the legal filing for divorce.....Rachel and I communicate more than ever. her grades dipped but now are better than they have ever been. jon is flying away from my nest and going through a rough time and I'm learning to give him the space he needs. And I have never been as happy and i am seeing my confidence grow.